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Whenever I talk about my disinterest is romantic love the response is, “awww, who hurt you?” And that's such a fucking annoying thing to say. A broken heart is such a boring excuse for giving up on love and I'm lowkey insulted people think I'm that melodramatic. I have known heart ache many more times than I have known love and still, I would suffer through a thousand more broken hearts to experience just 1 more great love. It's worth it. Every time.
But no, I'm too selfish to ever award the reason for my decision to someone else. My aversion to love is a bit more self centered than broken-heartedness.
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In the second semester of my freshman dorm life I got a new roommate. This one was also white but, unlike my last roommate, this new girl wasn’t into keeping to herself. She was an extrovert who did wild shit like talk to me everyday, wanted to meet up on campus for lunch, and she even came to a poetry event with me. Homegirl was nice and all but she almost immediately got the impression that we were friends, while I had the impression that we were temporarily sharing a space and nothing more. I could tell she thought we were closer than what we were based off of the type of things she’d tell me and ask of me. And I, not being nearly as mean and blunt as people give me credit for, would almost always say yes.
 When I decided to do this year of service in Wilmington, I looked at it as a chance to get away and get my life together so that I could pursue my real dreams when I returned to Philly. The plan was this: save up money for an apartment, build up my writing portfolio by writing things other than poetry, and start applying for publishing/editing/writing jobs four months before the end of my service year in June. I’ve done a pretty great job so far. My savings account is looking nice and I started writing consistently on this blog plus I started an interview series on Apiary Magazine. March marks the fourth month before my year of service is up and since the beginning of this month, I’ve been applying to jobs like my life depends on it.
Here’s why I decided to stop. |