I like to start my day with music. My best mornings are the ones where I pick up my phone and instead of checking social media, I open my music app and put that bitch on shuffle. Some people say it’s chaotic to listen to music that way, but I’m almost always in the mood for any song in my music library. Sometimes you don’t know you need to hear Yolanda Adams, Paramore, and Smino in that order until it happens.
I like starting my day with music because it energizes me. Scrolling through twitter or watching videos on my phone makes me want to barrel deeper in bed. Music wakes me up, makes me want to sing along or get up and dance. I think that’s an important way to feel when you’re beginning your day, especially if you often struggle getting out of bed.
In lue of world AS day (and my new meds that are actually working, YAY!!) I thought I would share my ankylosing spondylitis journey with y’all. So, here it goes…
Part I: Dismissive Pain
In 2012, some time during my senior year of high school, I started experiencing really bad stiffness in my lower back/hips. It was so painful that sometimes my ability to walk, or even stand up, was impaired. The pain only lasted a few days and seemed to return whenever I wore these boots with the heel so worn down, they were basically leaning on a 45 degree angle (bow legged problems). So, initially I attributed the cause of my pain to improper footwear. This was my first mistake. Yeah, I should’ve thrown those shoes out a long time ago, but I also should’ve taken a recurring, damn near debilitating, pain more seriously and saw a doctor.
I’m afraid of failure.
I’m afraid of instability.
I’m afraid of taking risks.
I’m afraid of not being good enough.
I’m afraid of not being talented enough.
I’m afraid that I don’t have a good work ethic.
I’m afraid that I don’t deserve…
Some famous person once said, “fear is the greatest enemy of progress.” True shit. I would also add that in some cases, fear is rooted in a lack of self confidence. I know that’s at least true when it comes to me. I think I would probably be more successful than I am, if I simply believed I could be. Almost two years ago I promised myself I was going to stop compromising my joy for stability, and really focus on pursuing my art. I even wrote about it in another blog post. And yet, at every chance I’ve gotten to put that promise to the test, I’ve chosen stability without hesitation.